McBarf

So... I ate one of these for the first time, and of my own volition.

Honestly, I had zero expectations. I was in a pinch. I knew it would be awful. I was not surprised.

For years I've heard from friends of the majesty of the McRib....

Friend (namely, my buddy Jimmy) : "Hey Juan, did you hear? THE MCRIB IS BACK!!"

Myself (disgusted): "Why do you know this?"

Let's be honest with ourselves, the McRib is made from the same ground pork they feed prisoners. pressed into the shape of comical, operation style ribs, slathered in the same shitty BBQ sauce that comes with your nuggets, and finally, for some class, sprinkled with the Mickey D's trademark onions and pickles...

An aside... I absolutely love pickle. However, when I was a child, I was convinced that I hated them. This notion was entirely based on the McDonald's "pickle". I'm not sure what type of liquid those pickles are... pickled in, but I'm fairly certain it contains the drug test urine from each potential McDonald's employee for the year. If you think you hate pickles too, TRY OTHER PICKLES. Anyway...

How is this something people look forward to? Why does everybody know when "the McRib is coming to town"? I understand that much of the allure of fast food comes in it's affordability, (how's that for a made up word, mama grizzlies?) and based on that fact, I can only hope the success of the McRib is due to the fact that the working man can't afford barbecue sauce. That has to be the secret, the barbecue sauce. If you ever find yourself having to smuggle a few kilos of smack into the country, just eat a McRib before you get on the plane. The drug dogs will be so preoccupied with the bog-of-eternal-stench BBQ sauce stain on your trousers, they'll never find the bag of dope strapped to your taint. If barbecue sauce is in fact the issue, please working man, go to the grocery store and buy a tub (yes, a tub) of Lloyds, of hell, even Manwich. For my loyal readers, I am in fact endorsing Manwich.

If I have any readers who are actual fans of the McRib and live in the Orlando area, I implore you to please try any of the following for a barbecue revelation.

1. For the best BBQ in Orlando: On a Friday or Saturday, take the 417 to Aloma and head towards Oviedo. There is a run down church, on the right, once you enter "Slavia" that turns into an outdoor BBQ extravaganza. Seriously, best BBQ I've ever had.

2. A literal tie for first place: http://www.4rsmokehouse.com/

3. Great, beastly ribs http://www.kellersbbq.com/

4. The Bubbalou's on Lee Road only, all other's suck ass.

5. AVOID PLACES NAMED SONNY'S